Thoughts on the Oklahoma Education Crisis

For the few people who read my blog, I promise to get back to ramblings about my family and personal financial goals.  Until then, I wanted to take a brief break to discuss a political matter.

Full disclosure, I am not a native Oklahoman.  I was born and raised in Carl Junction, Missouri, a small suburb of Joplin with a population of around 8,000 people.  I am the child of two retired public school teachers who worked their entire careers for the same school district I attended.  There were 200 kids in my graduating class and roughly 1000 kids total in my high school.  Our football team was abysmal, but we regularly won academic and fine arts competitions throughout the state.

I moved to Tulsa, Oklahoma in 2006 to attend law school and received my first dose of reality.  I knew teachers were underpaid.  I knew teachers were constantly buying classroom supplies from their own paychecks.  I knew this, because I watched it unfold from the dinner table each night.  What I didn’t know was that many of the public schools in Oklahoma weren’t places you could send your kids….at least not if you cared about them.  My first year in law school, I realized that most of my classmates attended private school.  I rolled my eyes and naively voiced my opinion that private school was a waste of money.  I was a proud public school graduate with high academic honors in college and a promising legal career on the horizon.  If public school was good enough for me, it was good enough for everyone. The response was unanimous.

“You must not be from Oklahoma.”

Over the past 12 years, I have built my life and career in Oklahoma, and I’m proud to say it feels like home.  I have paid a minor amount of attention to the public school issues in the state, but while I personally feel that more should be done for teachers and schools, I can’t say I’ve actually put those feelings into much action – regrettably so.  I have voted in elections, and debated the issue at social gatherings - I’m a lawyer after all, I enjoy a good debate.  But that’s where my involvement ends. 

I’m not sure I can get away with that any longer.  My son was born in October of 2017, and in a mere 5 years, he’ll be enrolled at one of Oklahoma’s public schools.  Maybe.  Hopefully.

What is it about Oklahoma education that seems so much harder to fund than states like Texas, for example?  Without conducting any kind of real study of the issue, I assume it has to do with the overall state budget and revenue base of parents within the top districts.  This is something we see play out within the top ranked public schools in Oklahoma as well.  Schools in Edmond, Broken Arrow, Jenks, and Mustang, etc. don’t seem to be failing as hard as the inner city.  But is that because parents are footing the bill through fundraising efforts?  That doesn’t seem like a sustainable solution state wide.

Is it the greedy oil and gas industry that needs to pay their fair share and solve the problem?  That seems to be a sentiment held by many throughout the state.  Full disclosure again, I work in the oil and gas industry.  When times are good, it’s really good. When times are bad, it’s really bad.  At the start of my career, things were extremely good.  Over the past three years, I’ve suffered with job instability and decreased wages. I’ve been caught in corporate layoffs and witnessed first-hand the worst side of this industry. Oh poor pitiful me.  This really isn’t about that.  But suffice it to say, there are plenty of people suffering in the oil and gas industry right now.  Still, if raising the gross production tax on oil and gas companies would fix this issue, it’s worth considering.  It would result in less drilling and therefore less production to tax, but if the net result is enough additional revenue to fix the education crisis, maybe that’s what we have to do.  Maybe we could even get the oil and gas companies on board for the sake of our children's futures.  Maybe.  Hopefully.

One of my hobbies is personal finance.  I’m a nerd, I get it.  But I’m routinely called by friends and family to assist with something as simple as building a household budget.  It’s amazing how complicated that can be for many people.  In my years of evaluating personal finances, I’ve never had a situation that would be permanently fixed simply by making more money.  Obviously when someone is on the verge of bankruptcy, a cash infusion seems like a simple solution.  However, if that’s the only change, then that person would be back on the brink of bankruptcy in no time. 

Financial management is a product of behavior.  Giving someone more money, when they have proven that they are bad with money, merely exacerbates the problem. I feel like Oklahoma has proven they are terrible with money.

Budget issues have plagued this state for several decades.  I dare say budget issues are a concern in every state that has a constitutional requirement to balance the budget. Nobody ever has as much money as they want, and when debt is not allowed to be a source of income, one must live within ones means.  This is not a bad thing, but what it means is that the state can’t pay for everything it wants to. 

In situations where I’m counseling an individual or family through their own budget situation, we have to establish a list of priorities.  Keeping a roof over their head and food on the table are the top priorities.  Healthcare, reliable transportation, and access to education are all high on the list as well.  For a state, the same rules apply.  I would assume that infrastructure, healthcare, and education would be the top priorities for a state.  Obviously those are broad and costly topics.  But what nobody has shown me yet are where Oklahoma has been willing to cut in areas outside these big three in order to take care of their top priorities.  There have been numerous funding options over the years like all that casino money that was supposed to be earmarked for education.  All I hear is how that money was stolen for other purposes than education.  If that’s true, then people should be held accountable. 

That begs the question, who’s in charge here?

Members of our own legislature – I’m looking at you Kevin McDugle - post temper tantrum rants on social media about how greedy teachers are being, while other members – kudos to Scott Inman - make public statements of support and acknowledge that any funding measures passed so far are little more than empty promises with existing education funding already being pulled from other sources to fund the supposedly new funding bill.  It’s just a shell game, with Oklahoma education left again on the losing side.

If it’s truly a matter of needing more money, then someone from the legislature should be able to sit down and calmly explain where the existing funds have been spent and where the shortfall lies, in addition to being able to explain how any additional revenues received from, say, increasing taxes will be spent to alleviate the problem.  I suspect, like with any financial management issue, the problem is one of behavior rather than a lack of actual cash. 

Admittedly, I need to look into this issue much more thoroughly.  I don’t have enough hard information to come up with a solution, so my opinions are just that.  I listened to an interview yesterday on Fox News with gubernatorial candidate Todd Lamb.  He laid out a surprisingly simple solution to the crisis which involved revamping the current state budget process to create more transparency, as well as passing legislation that requires that 65% of all education funding be spent in the classroom.  It all sounds really good. Great talking points from a seasoned campaigner. I’m just confused why someone who’s been on Oklahoma’s payroll as a politician of some form for the past 13 years hasn’t put forth this simple solution until now.  His own wife is a public school teacher, so I have to assume he’s been well aware of the issues in Oklahoma education for some time.  A quick internet search showed me that the only attempted legislation of note bearing his name had to do with abortion.  And it failed to pass, because the issue is well established at the federal level.  I’m not feeling as confident in his abilities to govern as I was a few minutes ago.

I haven’t educated myself as to the positions of the other potential candidates in the Governor’s race, but it’s my cynical view that you’ll never hear more reasoned, sensible, plausible solutions than from the mouths of those running for public office. I have yet to see someone be able to make good on all their plans once they actually find themselves in the role they campaigned to fill.  Perhaps, at some point in the future, I’ll be proven wrong.  Maybe.  Hopefully. 

I want a legislature full of people who care about this state.  I want a legislature full of people from all walks of life who have experiences similar to those in the districts they represent.  But we’ve made politics a rich man’s game, and the hard truth is those with the real solutions have more sense than to associate themselves in the sewage pond of politics.

This whole thing makes me want to run for an office myself, but then again, it would be so much easier to just stay where I am.  Maybe this is an attitude worth changing.  Maybe.  Hopefully.

Spending Fast - Months 2 and 3

Like any good behavior modification program, there are bound to be some bumps in the road and a reversion to bad habits.  I'm going to blame the mystery baby I'm currently growing. Once I explain, you'll agree, it's all his/her fault.

Shopping episode number 1: The baby is making me fat, and that necessitated the purchase of some maternity clothes.  Luckily I had budgeted for this expense, and managed to purchase necessary items that I can actually still wear long after the baby is born.  Thank goodness for the forgiving cuts of women's fashion right now.

Shopping episode number 2: The incredibly expensive baby stroller we had decided to splurge on went on a crazy sale, so we had to go ahead and buy it.  We saved about $125 by opting to buy it now. Again, that expense was budgeted, so no harm no foul.

All good so far, right?  Yeah, maybe not.

Shopping episode number 3: My husband and I work from home frequently, and have separate offices set up for this purpose.  Unfortunately, one of those offices needed to go away to accommodate the baby.  We decided it was a great time to upgrade our office furniture for the new arrangement.  For future reference, the word "upgrade" should be a clear sign that what you're doing is not necessary. We picked out some new bookcases and a desk (that we love, but that really weren't necessary in the grand scheme of things).

At this point, our shopping urges had been fully awakened.

Shopping episode number 4: Remember that vacation we had planned and paid for already? Yeah, pregnancy ruins everything.  At the last minute, my doctor wouldn't release me to take the cruise we had booked to the Bahamas. Zika virus be damned, I still wanted to go, and we were way too late to get a refund.  But cooler heads prevailed and we decided to cancel it.  We got some money back in cash and the rest in the form of a credit towards a future cruise - not exactly an ideal situation since we had non-refundable flights booked a week apart leaving out of Charleston, SC. We decided to turn lemons into lemonade and ended up booking additional hotel accommodations in Myrtle Beach for the week of our cruise. The only downside is that instead of eating amazing food free of charge, we would now have to spend a lot of extra money just to eat every day.  In the end we decided to just enjoy ourselves.  This was our babymoon after all, and I'm happy to say that we had a great time (even if we spent a little more money than we had planned).

Shopping episode number 5: Being in Myrtle Beach for the week made it hard not to shop since we had to fill our days somehow.  We both ended up buying a few non-budgeted items that we will really enjoy but were totally unnecessary.  Oh well, you only live once.

Now that we're back home, I'm eager to get back on track with our spending fast.  I guess the lesson here is that when you fall off that wagon, you have to get back up, pay off your credit card, and get back on track.  I am happy to report that the other pieces of our budget have been really solid.  We seem to have our food spending under control (even though I know we'll fight this battle continually), I was able to replace another expensive skincare product with a $6 Aveeno brand find, and we were able to deposit an extra $97 just from rolling our spare change.

So how did we do...

For April, we were able to pay an extra $1591.64 on the mortgage!  We did even better for May, paying an extra $1975.10 on the mortgage!

Even with our shopping binges, we still managed to make good progress on our financial goals. Since we started working towards total debt-free living, we've paid off over $5,000!  Based on our current mortgage, that's the equivalent of about a full year's worth of payments. I'm excited by our progress and can't wait to see how the summer goes!

Spending Fast - Month 1 Review

The first few weeks of a spending fast tend to feel like starting a really restrictive diet.  You end up fighting temptations to spend money on things you obviously don’t need but somehow in the moment feel like essentials.  Add in the fact that everyone you know will start selling some revolutionary product that you just have to try and you really start to feel like an outsider. I’ve put myself on spending fasts enough in the past to know that these urges will come, and luckily, I’m not as susceptible to them as I have been in prior years.

This time around, I haven’t really felt tempted, and I’ve had a pretty easy time keeping myself away from the stores.  Luckily, I haven’t had to go to the mall or Target and I’ve avoided any unnecessary stops at stores that are purely for shopping, like Hobby Lobby or boutique clothing stores.  And honestly I haven’t missed it.  The only thing I’ve struggled with is turning down invitations to shopping parties like LulaRoe, Cabi, and Plunder.  Those events are as much about the social as they are about the shopping, so I hate to miss out.  For this first month, I thought it was best not to put myself in that situation, but in future months, I may be able to venture out without buying.  Isn’t that what they teach you in rehab?  Test yourself, go hang out with all your old buddies who are still addicts.  What could possibly go wrong?

I will admit I still have a twinge of embarrassment when I tell a friend I can’t go to their event because I’m on a shopping fast.  I can see the sympathy in their faces.  People probably assume I’m in way over my head with bills, when nothing could be further from the truth.  This is just something I need to get over.  I should be proud to be on a shopping fast.  This small act of sacrifice will pay huge dividends down the road.  Short-term chagrin is a small price to pay.

March was like most months – same old bills, same old surprise expenses.  We started things off with an emergency trip to the vet for our fur baby Willow.  $157 later, her bum leg was magically healed through the powers of time and a dose of probably unnecessary anti-inflammatory meds.  Then, wouldn’t you know it, our $99 yearly membership fee was due on our Southwest card.  You might be asking why we bother with a credit card that has a yearly fee, but we don’t carry a balance and we rarely, if ever, pay for flights.  Case closed.  That was a charge I should have anticipated, but I dropped the ball.  Bills that come due on a regular schedule should never catch you off guard!  By March 5, our slush fund was cut completely in half and we had nothing to show for it.  I felt a little discouraged, but since I knew I wasn’t going to spend any money, I figured we’d still be okay.  And for the most part we were.

Where we really struggled was with our food budget.  We have a healthy amount budgeted for groceries and eating out – more than enough to not feel limited.  But even still, we blew the total by almost $300.  I’m really hopeful that we can exercise more control here.  Now more than ever it’s important to get our finances under good control, because…

I’m pregnant!

We found out mid-March, and my mind has been reeling with the cost of daycare ever since.  This was a planned pregnancy, but that doesn’t mean you feel any more equipped when it actually happens. The only symptom I’ve really had so far is an intense craving for all things junk food related.  I’m pretty sure this is the root cause of our grocery budget issues, but it’s getting better week by week.

I have a chunk of money set aside for just this scenario – both for medical costs and baby supplies, and this month we used part of it to purchase a recliner for the nursery as well as some much needed book cases for the office so we can begin the task of setting up the nursery.  We were almost swayed by the appeal of a customized fabric recliner at the La-Z-Boy store, but before we pulled the trigger, we visited the discount room of a local furniture chain and found the exact same recliner in a very practical beige leather for literally half the price.  Score!  The bookcases were a decent deal but still a hefty expense.  At least it was a budgeted expense.  Even though we are just getting started with the nursery set-up process, we are trying to clean out closets and donate/recycle/trash unwanted junk.  I’m already amazed at how much stuff we’ve accumulated over the years that we don’t even see or use.  It’s a valuable lesson to not overbuy that I hope to expound on in future posts.

Our last major purchase for the month was a final payment on our upcoming vacation.  I had set aside the money for this trip back in January, so this didn’t really eat into our budget for the month.  I have all our spending money set aside as well, so we will be vacationing guilt-free!

My only true test came when my favorite face wash finally ran out.  Per the rules of the fast, I could technically replace this item since I truly do love it, but I’ve decided to try out some new brands to see if I can be satisfied with a drug-store brand.  My face wash is about $50 per bottle and lasts me about 4 months.  I picked up a bottle of Neutrogena face wash for $6 but failed to read the fine print and ended up with a harsh exfoliating scrub that really dried out my skin.  I had decided to suffer through until it was used up, but my face had finally had enough and I picked up an Aveno product yesterday for $4.50.  After one use, I’m more than satisfied.  And even with a waste of $6, I still saved myself about $40 by not repurchasing the expensive brand.

After all bills were paid, we were able to make an extra principal-only payment to our mortgage for $1,561.25!!! Here’s the great thing about being down to one debt item – all your extra money goes towards it.  Every dollar you pay is a dollar you never have to pay again!  That is so exciting to me on so many levels.  Our ultimate goal is to pay down enough of the balance to eliminate primary mortgage insurance by the end of the year, and then pay off the entire mortgage by 2021.  It’s actually doable, especially if we continue to make steady progress this year. We plan to celebrate each 10% of equity achieved.  We should be able to celebrate our first milestone at the end of April!

Here’s hoping we can stay on track and build even more momentum!

Fast Spending or Spending Fast?

Well, I’m back on the blog to tell you about my latest project of sorts.  First, a little recap…Remember in my last post where I mentioned that I got laid off in 2015, and then I found a “great” job in 2016?  Well it turns out that “great” job wasn’t as great as I would have hoped.  I don’t want to sound dramatic, so I’ll just say it was sort of the single worst professional experience of my life.  I made it work for as long as I could, because you know, I like electricity and the ability to buy food and stuff, but it was clear from just a few months in that this was not going to be a long-term career opportunity.  I left in November for a very different kind of role with an oil and gas company that provides client-based services and solutions.  It’s hard to describe exactly what I do at this company, except to say I have clients and I provide services and solutions related to oil and gas exploration and production.  Sexy huh?

The good news is I’m really enjoying the freedom and flexibility at this company. The owner is great and has treated me with the utmost respect and kindness.  The bad news is it doesn’t pay nearly as well as my prior jobs.  The salary is split about 50/50 with bi-annual bonuses, so the potential to make my typical income is definitely there, but I have seen a steep decline in my monthly pay.  But, as has been the theme in our lives since Milton and I met, the Lord is taking care of us and the pay is sufficient to meet our needs and then some.  The bonuses will just be icing on the cake.  Fingers crossed.  I love icing.

With our new income situation weighing heavy on me, we made an effort over the past couple of months to pay down all non-mortgage debt and set aside extra savings for upcoming one-off expenditures like planned vacations or deductibles for unanticipated medical issues.  We didn’t actually have any debt besides a car loan, so we worked hard on that and paid if off last week!  Yay us!  It feels good to be out from under that payment, especially heading into what will feel like a lean year.  Now we can focus all our extra funds on the mortgage, which sincerely feels like fun to me. I’m not sure Milton shares my enthusiasm.

We already live with a very formal budget, but we have routinely blown through the discretionary spending categories over the past year simply because we were very flush with cash and we could.  It’s a problem of being financially lazy, since our needs are easily met.  We’ve let our wants get totally out of control. Our next life goal is to start a family, and with that comes additional expenses like increased health insurance and daycare.  I want us to start living like we have these obligations now so that when those bills really do kick in, we won’t feel the shock.  The best way to do this is to exercise more rigid control over our budget starting today.  Ergo, we are officially on a spending fast for the remainder of 2017.

What is a spending fast?  I’m so glad you asked.  It’s simply a refrain from all non-essential spending for a set period of time, in this case 10 months. Here’s how it works:

First you establish ground rules -

1. We will spend our current allotted budget on our “normal” expenses: mortgage, utilities, phone, insurance, etc.
2. We will continue to tithe on 10% of our gross pay – this is one of our largest monthly expenses, but you don’t get ahead by stiffing God. Ever. 
3. We will continue to contribute 10% of our gross pay to retirement savings. This amount does not include our company matches that bring total retirement savings to 15%.
4. We will still budget the same amounts for gas and groceries/restaurants, but I have reduced our cash and miscellaneous spending to just $500/month.  That probably sounds like a lot, but this is the category that gets plowed through every month on nonessentials, so this is where the challenge lies.  I feel like at that amount we should still be able to exercise some discretionary spending on experiences and unforeseen items without making ourselves feel like we live in a prison.
5. We are keeping our gym membership since we actually use it and health is important, plus it’s an activity we enjoy.  We will also still get professional haircuts, although I will be switching the frequency of mine to every other month instead of every 6 weeks.  
6. We will not spend any money on electronics and other “toys,” clothing, jewelry, make-up, or hair-care products outside the replacement of a product we have used up completely and love enough to buy that exact item again.  If we don’t love that exact item, but we sincerely need a replacement, we will seek out a cost-effective alternative.  I have cleaned out my bathroom drawers and cabinets and condensed all my sample items, lotions, creams, etc. into a few boxes with a goal of actually using those items up this year.  It’s amazing how many high quality products I had just sitting around the bathroom collecting dust.  
7. We will still purchase gifts as needed but with a significantly reduced budget – we will also be making gifts or re-gifting as much as possible, as well as shopping sales.
8. We will allow ourselves to replace work required clothing items if the prior item is beyond repair or professionalism, but in those instances, we will shop sales and only replace the exact item needed.
9. We are currently trying to have a baby and in the event that I become pregnant this year, I have set aside a modest but reasonable budget to prep for baby/nursery supplies.  

Next, decide what you’re going to do with the extra money you save – 

We already have a 6-month emergency fund and a healthy balance in savings for a rainy day or an unexpected expense, so all our extra money at the end of each month will go directly to the principal on our mortgage.  I can’t wait to see that debt shrink!

On your mark, get set, go (or I guess, stop) - 

I’ve researched the idea of a spending fast quite a bit over the past few weeks, and I found some helpful advice that said to go ahead and purchase anything that will help you feel more secure prior to beginning the spending fast.  This is not a license to buy gift cards or go nuts with the credit card, although it does feel a little like having one last party before you go to rehab.

I thought about what I really needed, and I purchased a year supply of my favorite non-store brand shampoo and hairspray at a very good sale price.  This is something I hate buying because it’s so expensive, but since it was on a huge sale, I figured stocking up for the year made sense.  I have also purchased a new pair of black office heels using a gift card to cover part of the expense.  My old pair went in the trash, so this was clearly a necessity.  My husband purchased some new Tennis shoes at a steep discount as well as a few pairs of work trousers on sale.  I'll be honest here and admit that he is not the culprit when it comes to overspending, so I won’t be monitoring his purchases as closely as I will my own. We also used a Visa gift card we received when switching our cell phone plans to cover all but $160 of our season tickets for the OKC Broadway performances in 2017/2018!  This was an obvious splurge, but it is an activity we really enjoy and should provide us some very cost effective dates this year.  Being able to use the gift card saved us almost $450, which I think is a huge win.

I’m excited to live on less and prove that we will not just survive but actually thrive.  Join me, won’t you?  Or don’t, I mean, it’s not for everyone.  But either way, I look forward to keeping you updated with our progress.

Year One

Happy one year anniversary to me (and that guy who's my husband)!

When last we spoke, I had just returned from a pre-wedding trip to Charleston, SC, and I had promised to regale you all with the tales of my wedding showers, bachelorette party, and of course, the big event.  Well...I didn't. Instead, I just disappeared, much to the lament of both of my readers. Not wanting to leave you completely in the dark, here is a mini-update Istagram-style:

Hometown Bridal Shower       

OKC Bridal Shower

Picking up the marriage license!

 

Last date at the zoo before the big day!

 Let's just say that the closer we got to the actual wedding, the less time I had for blogging about it.  And then things got really crazy.  A mere three days before the wedding, I got laid off from my job. Not ideal. I will say, if you have to lose your job, I hope it happens right before you have to buy an expensive steak dinner for 65 people.  It just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, which is good because after you pay that credit card bill you won't be able to afford little luxuries like heat and clothing.

I kept meaning to post about the wedding, but as the weeks went by, I just wasn't making time. Odd, since it's not like I had anything else to do during the day.  So now I'm trying to make up for lost time by updating you on our wedding and our first year of marriage.  It happens to be our first anniversary today, so it's only appropriate to reflect.  Also remember it's the second anniversary of our first date, because we're cute like that.

First off, another Instagram-style mini update of our wedding, which was perfection:

Just six hours after the wedding, we boarded a plane for Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.  We stayed at the Melia Paradisius resort under their Royal Service experience.  Basically Royal Service is a fancy way of saying everyone at the resort will do your bidding.  We ran that island. Our butler's name was Hector, and I definitely made him earn his money.  Needless to say, the resort was amazing - great food, beautiful beaches and pools, and top-shelf bar service!

We did this a lot:

Oh, and we swam with some dolphins:

We had so much fun!  Basically we felt like our wedding and honeymoon were perfect, which is good, since you really only get one shot at those.  Luckily, we were just as excited to start our married life, so there was no let-down when we got back.

Thanks to my untimely job loss, we had the unique opportunity to start our marriage off as a throw-back 50's couple. Each morning, I would get up and make breakfast for my husband before he set off for a day at the office.  I would spend my days cleaning, cooking, and crying...usually in that order, but sometimes the crying took over the other two activities.  

We didn't know how long my joblessness would last, but we are good financial planners, and I was blessed with excellent severance, so we could have made it quite a while without becoming homeless. I am happy to report I was only unemployed for about four months, and now I have a good job, albeit a lot bigger, more stressful one.  That also may have contributed to the lack of progress on this blog. 60+ hour work weeks are a hobby killer.

And just like that, our first year of marriage is complete!  Suffice it to say, marriage is the absolute best!  You get a built-in best friend who takes care of you, cares about every detail of your life, and is super hot! Marriage gets an enthusiastic two-thumbs-up from me!

We celebrated our anniversary last night, by returning to the steakhouse where we had our wedding. I even made us wear our wedding clothes again, which just made Milton so happy. Mostly I just wanted to prove to myself that I could still fit into my dress.  If I may be so bold, I think we look even better than last year.

We opted to skip anniversary gifts because our love is gift enough...but Milton is no dummy.  He presented me with beautiful roses and a very touching love letter, since the traditional first anniversary gift is paper.  He's a keeper!

So now the big question is what to do with this blog. Its original purpose was to get me married off with as little pain and as much humor as possible. And to that I say mission accomplished. 

But is there more to say of the adventures of Milton and Mariah? 

Maybe.

We'll see. 

Year two starts now!

Blame it on the creme brulee...

I just got back from one of the best mini vacations I’ve ever taken.  My friend Jordan had asked me a few months back how I wanted to live out my last single days, and I had mentioned taking a trip. As the mom of an 18-month-old, she was totally on board!  I picked Charleston, South Carolina since I had never been before but had always wanted to go. 

Y’all, it was amazing!  I can’t wait for my husband to take me back there someday. (hint, hint – Milton)  For the record, I probably won’t be using y’all outside this post.  I just wanted to feel like a real Charlestonian for a minute, but I can tell it doesn’t suit me.

Jordan and I go way back….all the way to law school.  Together, we ran the Christian Legal Society, and made it the world-renowned organization it is today.  Well, more like we managed to keep it going and not publicly embarrass ourselves or the Lord in the process. We also ran an ill advised half marathon one time, but we won’t talk about that. Now that we’re getting older and she’s married with babies to tend to, we don’t get to see each other as often as we’d like.  It doesn’t help that we live 9 hours apart.  It was a wonder we could find 3 consecutive days to spend in the same city, but I’m so glad we did.

We arrived at Charleston around 11:30pm.  Neither of us had bothered to rent a car, but we weren’t concerned.  We figured we’d just see what the Charleston airport had to offer us.  What we found was an unhelpful woman at the Hertz booth who only catered to those with a reservation.  We had slightly better luck with Avis, but they wanted $800 to rent an SUV for 3 days.  When the woman gave us the total – “that will be $798.89” – Jordan looked at me and said, “you want to go ahead and do it?”  I think my response was something like, “Point me in the direction of the hotel.  I’ll walk.”  What surprised me more was her willingness to part with almost $1000 for a rental car.  The Jordan I knew only spent money under extreme duress.  Turns out she thought that the woman had meant $7.98 per day.  What a bargain. Did I mention it was 11:30 at night, and Jordan is preggo?  Suddenly it all makes sense.

With the ring of $800 in the air, I moved us down the line to a portly gentleman working the all but abandoned National desk. Finally, a Southern gentleman. He rented us a beautiful Toyota Camry for $90.  We took in the sights, at least what we could see by moonlight, on our 20 minute trek to the boutique hotel Jordan had picked out for us.  There just happened to be an empty parking space directly in front of the hotel.  We were amazed.  It turns out Charleston is pretty magical, and this kind of good fortune would follow us for the entire trip…mostly.

The night duty concierge let us in and showed us to our room.  It was beautiful and not at all cheesy for a beach-themed area.  The most important thing she taught us was how to order breakfast.  We knew it was included with the room, but we were expecting a pitiful fruit and bagel tray in the lobby.  But, Charleston is magical.  You actually got to custom order your breakfast from a plethora of options (many of them Weight Watcher’s friendly) and then they would deliver it to your room at the time you specified. Seriously.

We had the best time picking and choosing from all the options.  In case any of you ever decide to check out the Harbor View Inn, please note that the ½ grapefruit option under the juice menu literally means a half grapefruit and not just a small glass of grapefruit juice, as we had foolishly assumed.

We slept in until 9am when our breakfast arrived, and then we headed out for a walking tour I had scheduled.  This was a bit of a shot in the dark, but I wanted to see some of the historical places in downtown Charleston and thought a walking tour might be enjoyable.  I hadn’t factored in that Charleston is super humid, it was August, and Jordan is 5 months pregnant.  I found a listing for Two Sister’s Tours through trip advisor and thought it was right up our alley.  The business is run by two sisters (duh) who have lived in Charleston their whole lives.  They give tours twice a day for $20 a person in groups of 20 or less.  Our particular tour had 7 people on it, which ended up being pretty perfect.  It turns out the sisters are both retired attorneys!  Mary Helen gave our tour that morning, and she was delightful. 

The tour ended up being exactly what I was looking for.  We got to traipse through all these little neighborhoods and side streets to look at period homes and gardens, sprinkled with stops at historic sites and buildings dating from the early 1700s. In addition, we got wonderful restaurant and plantation recommendations from the sister.  I highly recommend this tour if you’re ever in Charleston. I’ve already decided to go again on my next trip.  Here we are at the end of the tour – may this serve as a reminder to always have your souvenir photo taken at the beginning of the tour, before the Southern humidity literally melts the flesh off your face.

 

  

One of the last stops we made on the tour was to “the oldest theater in America.”* The Dock Street Theater is a beautiful old playhouse dating back from the 1700s.  It has been completely restored in the last few years and now serves as a performance venue for Charleston Stage, a local theater group.  As luck would have it, they were opening a new production that evening of the musical The Producers.  Jordan and I decided on a whim to get tickets for that evening.  While The Producers is a bit risqué in terms of content, we both thoroughly enjoyed the evening. 

As we walked back to our hotel after the performance, we kept passing groups of semi-sober ladies wearing princess crowns, feather boas, and matching t-shirts saying things like “bride to be” and “blame it on the vodka.”  Jordan lamented that she hadn’t thought to do something similarly tacky for me.  She wondered if my bachelorette weekend was too tame to be a proper send-off.  As we stopped at a hip restaurant for a late-night dessert, we had no idea how exciting the trip was about to become.

I enjoyed a lovely dessert of red velvet bread pudding with a side of coffee.  Jordan enjoyed a beautiful crème brulee with a heaping side of food poisoning.  The next morning as she pushed me out of her way to projectile vomit ALL OVER THE BATHROOM, I suspected something might be wrong. When I say all over, I mean all over.  It was on the door, in the bathtub, on the counter, and little bit made it into the toilet.  As she surveyed the crime scene, there was only one thing for me to say….”Now it feels like a bachelorette party.”  I’ve tried desperately to find a “blame it on the crème brulee” shirt, but it doesn’t exist. 

Jordan was in no position to vacation that day, so I decided to let her sleep it off recover in the room while I took advantage of the Charleston boutique scene.  This actually worked out great.  I felt bad that Jordan was so sick, but there’s nothing worse than having people just sit there and watch you be sick when there’s nothing they can do for you.  Plus, Jordan isn’t as big of a fan of shopping as I am.  This way, she could rest, and I could take my time painstakingly walking all of King Street, visiting every single store that does not exist in Oklahoma City. We both ended up having good days, all things considered.  I spent way too much money on clothes and books and jewelry, and Jordan got to sleep all day - something she never gets to do anymore.  Who knew having kids could make you thankful for a sick day all to yourself.

Oh, did I mention I got to see a celebrity?

This was pretty exciting.  I was heading back to the hotel, when a store window for a tiny little boutique caught my eye.  I wandered in and started looking around.  I could hear another customer discussing a potential purchase with the owner.  The customer wanted to buy two items that were part of different sets, and the owner was falling all over herself to be accommodating.  “Southern folks are so nice,” I thought to myself. Finally she said, “Well, I own the store, so I’m just going to let you break those up and buy them however you want.”  The customer responded enthusiastically. I thought the customer’s voice sounded oddly familiar.  I turned around and found myself face to face with Hillary Swank – two time Oscar winner and star of Amelia, one of the worst movies ever made.**  I just stared at her for what felt like an inappropriately long time. Finally I decided that I needed to either buy something or leave because I was quickly becoming the weirdo who stares at people while they’re trying to shop. I left as quietly as I’d entered, but I was forever changed.   Well, okay that’s a little dramatic.  But I do now have a fun, less vomity, trip memory.***

Here I am in front of the boutique that was the site of my celebrity encounter.  It’s called Noddy.  Seriously.

By that evening, Jordan was feeling much better.  She oohed and aahed over all my purchases and even feigned an appropriate level of enthusiasm for my Hillary Swank encounter (even though she had no idea who that was).  We ventured out for a fancy dinner, followed by a trek to the local Pandora store so I could get a charm to commemorate our trip.  I didn’t figure they’d have a specific Charleston charm, so we spent the walk thinking of options -  a little house for our tour, a crab because we’re close to the beach, perhaps a king’s crown for King Street.  It turns out they do have Charleston charms, but they’re super tacky and terrible.  However, the sales lady mentioned one option I hadn’t considered – a pineapple.  All along our tour, the houses had pineapple designs incorporated into their gates and posts, because the pineapple is the symbol for Southern hospitality.  I was still considering my options when the sales lady told me the following fun fact: During the Civil War, ladies whose husbands were off fighting would put a pineapple on their porch to let other gentlemen know they were open to receiving a little male attention.  That’s all I needed to hear.  I love my little pineapple charm so much!

Bright and early Sunday morning, Jordan and I enjoyed our final breakfast and headed to services at the St. Michael’s Episcopal church.  This site was included on our walking tour.  It’s the oldest church building in Charleston with actual signers of the Declaration of Independence buried in its cemetery.  The church service was really great – it was formal, as is the Episcopal way, but had some definite modern sensibilities too.  It was Jubilee Sunday, a day for everything to begin anew.  It was a lovely idea to meditate on as I approach my wedding.  During the prayer time, Jordan took the opportunity to pray for Milton and me specifically as we start our lives together.

For our last day in Charleston, Jordan and I decided to finally make use of our rental car and drive out of the city to tour a plantation home.  Side note – I’m so glad we didn’t spend $800 on a rental car, because we pretty much walked everywhere with the exception of this last day. Our walking tour guide from day one told us that there were two plantations she would absolutely visit over all others – Boone Hall and Middleton Place.  The only difference was that Middleton Place has a restaurant that serves the “world’s best fried chicken.”  Upon hearing this, Jordan and I gave each other a knowing glance.  Maybe we can catch Boone Hall on our next trip.

On our way out of town, we happened upon the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church, the site of the recent shooting.  We hadn’t wanted to visit otherwise because it didn’t feel like a tourist destination, but we were happy to get to see it.  Having been to Charleston now and seeing how intimate the community is, I have a better appreciation for just how tragic and emotionally devastating this event was for the whole town.

It was a beautiful drive out to the plantation, full of winding roads lined with centuries old trees. It rained the entire time we were there, but we still thoroughly enjoyed our day. The fried chicken did not disappoint…neither did the mint julep, cornbread, mac and cheese, fried okra, and whatever else we ate that I can’t even remember now. The plantation came complete with sheep! And ladies who weave things! And adorable Asian babies wrapped in beach towels (not sure why...the rain, maybe?). And lots of twisty trails and gardens that were probably great for sneaking away with a beau, but terrible for trying to figure out how to get back to the main entryway. Luckily we did make it back.  We were completely soaked, but we had a great time overall.  Here are a few pics from our afternoon.

    

    

We were sad to see our trip end, but we had to get back to our real lives.  We had the best time, and I’m so thankful we were able to get away for a few days.  It’s so much harder now than it used to be.  I really appreciate Jordan making the time to commemorate this exciting time in my life.  It was as if no time had passed since law school.  Even Milton could sense our joy when I would call him each night.  Milton and I could barely have a conversation from all the side convos and laughter that ensued between Jordan and I.  Milton finally said, “It sounds like you guys really get along well.”  We do, Milton.  We really do.  

This was the perfect final fling before the ring, even though it was pretty tame.  Trust me, that's how we like it.  But Jordan did manage to score a little action.  No preggo journey through airport security would be complete without a thorough pat-down. 

Next on the pre-wedding list….showers, showers, and more showers. I can’t wait to tell you all about it!

*Our tour guide said it was the oldest theater in America, but Google disagrees.  They gave the title to some little venue in Philadelphia.  At any rate, this place is the oldest theater in Charleston.  Wikipedia notes that it was the first building in America built exclusively to be used for theatrical performances. 

** I kid you not.  It’s the worst.  I’ll save you what feels like six hours, but is probably only two  – Amelia Earhart is born, learns how to fly a plane (and not in a way that’s remotely interesting), and then she crashes in the ocean where it is assumed she’s dead. And you are relieved that it’s finally over.

**The reasons I didn’t ask her for a picture or autograph are two-fold.  (1) The last time I met a celebrity, I asked for a picture and got shot down.  I felt really stupid and swore to myself I would never be over excited about a celebrity encounter again. They’re just people….who make movies and millions of dollars.  (2) Charleston is humid, remember?  By that point in the day, I looked like a dripping, puddle of a human being and probably smelled like swamp thing. 

All couples need therapy....Now how does that make you feel?

And just like that, it’s been over a month since my last post.  The time really does fly when you are planning a wedding.  I’m not sure what I’ve done with all of it, but I’m definitely glad to be closer to the big day.  We are exactly 6 weeks away from saying I do, and my feet are toasty warm.  I hope Milton’s are too.  

Actually, my feet are always cold, as Milton can attest. Cold feet are my weapon of choice. When we are snuggled on the couch, I like to wait until Milton is nice and comfy and then attack him with my icy feet.  Ambush tactics aside, in the emotional sense, my feet are burning up.

Milton and I just completed our pre-marital counseling.  I can’t recommend it enough for couples planning to tie the knot.  We went through an actual therapist rather than just our minister because (A) we’re actually older than our minister and (B) our minister just got married a month ago himself.

Little known fact – counseling is a crazy expensive racket.  Okay, maybe calling it a racket is unfair – it is a valuable service, but it can really add up.  The first counselor I called wanted over $800 for 6 sessions and he indicated that it would likely take 12+ sessions to get through all our issues.  As I was choking on that number, trying to imagine what issues Milton and I could possibly have that would take 12 sessions of therapy to cure, I remembered that my health benefits provider would cover 6 sessions of counseling services each year.  

I promptly dialed the 800 number for my benefits provider and was greeted by a soft spoken older woman who repeatedly asked me if there was anything I needed to talk about besides finding a pre-marital counselor.   She might as well have said, “You’re not fooling anyone.  Now put down the gun and tell me why you’re sad.” Kudos to the call center operators - they do not give up easy.  I almost made up an issue just to satisfy her quest for a sufficiently depressing condition.  Luckily, I was able to convince her my sarcastic sense of humor was not a thinly veiled cry for help.  She was able recommend a counselor in our area that could handle our pre-marital counseling from a Christian perspective.

When the big day arrived, I think Milton and I were both a little apprehensive about our first session.  Neither of us had been to therapy before, so it seemed like a strange concept to introduce yourself to a stranger and then talk about really private aspects of your relationship and family histories.  Somehow the knowledge that it would all be confidential didn’t seem to put us at ease.  Maybe that’s because Milton knew I’d be blogging about it….hmm.

I guess I had been expecting more of a Hollywood version of a therapists office.  I thought there would be a wavy couch thing built for two and the therapist would be a crunchy woman who constantly asked us how things made us feel and why we hated our mothers so much.  I think Milton was just hoping there wasn’t going to be any role-play exercises.  Secretly, I was counting on those.  I had been practicing my Milton voice all week.  I didn’t get to use it. Not once.

The office was actually more reminiscent of a spa than a doctor’s office.  There was a small sofa – not big enough to nap on, and the room was softly lit with candles.  There was a box of tissues terrifyingly perched on the large trunk that served as the coffee table. I prayed the only sniffles we’d suffer were allergy related.

Prior to our first session, we each had to fill out a 300+ question assessment  that asked everything from our health histories to our favorite breakfast cereals.  We were supposed to fill out the assessments individually so our results could be compared and the potential strengths and weaknesses in our relationship could be identified.  After introductions, the therapist told us that our assessments had been very interesting.  As is my curse gift in awkward social situations, I attempted to break the tension with a joke about how we had painstakingly gone through each question together, so our answers should have matched up exactly.  The therapist didn’t have much of a sense of humor.  She was immediately confused and started in about how we were supposed to take them on our own, now the results wouldn’t be accurate, blah, blah, blah.  Calm down, therapist lady, I was kidding.

All joking aside, our results were really positive.  We had only strengths, no weaknesses.  Just as I was planning how to spend my suddenly free Thursdays for the next 6 weeks, the therapist informed us that we’d still need to complete the sessions.  Apparently even perfect couples have problems. None of ours were apparent yet, but she assured us that someday we would encounter an issue and lean on the tools we learned over the next 6 weeks to tackle it. That is if we could still find all the worksheets.

The topics we covered in our sessions weren’t earth shattering, but they were definitely important.  It’s necessary to talk about things like future family planning and finances before you say I do.  You don’t want to be on your honeymoon and suddenly figure out your husband wants 19 children, their own TLC show, and for you to not have an opinion.*  But you don’t just cover the big stuff either.  You talk about fighting styles, what kind of home environment you anticipate and how you like to be approached with difficult situations.  

Without divulging any of our big secrets (now you really want to know, don’t you), it was clear, as Milton and I worked through the sessions, we’d already had all the necessary conversations.  There were no surprises or areas of concern for either of us.  That’s not to say we handle things identically.  There are plenty of differences in the way we process emotions and view relationship dynamics.  I’m sure some of these differences will lead to some impassioned arguments in the future, but for the most part, our differences are different in the right way.  We complement each other.  Where Milton is weak, I am strong.  Where I am weak, Milton pretends to not notice so as to not hurt my ego.  

We are a perfect pair.  Even the therapist said so.  At the end of our first session, she gave us her assessment of our overall chances as a future married couple.  “I think you’ll be great!  You’re both practical people, with reasonable expectations about what you want out of your marriage.”

I couldn’t agree more.

While we didn’t need therapy to confirm what we already knew about our compatibility, we definitely got something out of the experience.  I don’t want to put words in Milton’s mouth, so I’ll just talk about my observations from here on out.  Here are a few of the things therapy taught me:

• Therapy isn’t scary.
• I had never been to a therapist before, so I didn’t know how quickly I would feel at ease.  Even though the first session was a little awkward, I warmed up really quickly.  I know I don’t have trouble communicating with strangers, but it’s different when you’re talking about your feelings and life experiences (good and bad). It was definitely something I could see myself utilizing again should the need arise. I often thought I should have seen a counselor after my brother died, but I battled through on my own.  I don’t think I’ll choose that path again for the next crisis.  Hopefully there won’t be one.  Now that Milton and I have attended couples counseling, I think we’d be more inclined to go again in the future if we had problems in our marriage.  That’s definitely going to be worth the time and effort we spent the past 6 weeks should the need arise.
• Milton’s stress level is annoyingly low.
• In one of the sessions, our stress levels were evaluated based on our answers to the assessment questions.  My stress level was at 80%, from factors like my job, my weight, my family, to wedding planning, and finances for wedding planning. That number sounded pretty accurate to me. Milton’s stress level was 10%. Yup, 10%. I’m over here worrying about EVERYTHING there is to possibly worry about.  What’s Milton’s big stressor?  I’m so glad you asked.  The cause of Milton’s stress, as assessed by a computer program is that “his fiancé is stressed out.”  Just let that sink in for a minute.  My stress is causing Milton's stress. All 10% of it. Good to know.  
• Everyone is entitled to feel or think however they feel or think about a certain issue.
• So often when I ask someone their opinion about something, I don’t really care what they think.  I just want them to agree with me.  I already know I’m right, and I just want that confirmed.  Therapy involved a lot of one of us sharing our thoughts or feelings about a topic and the other one then responding to that revelation.  It was a space where you were encouraged to think or feel exactly how you think or feel without any judgment. In marriage, I think it will be important to make sure I’m listening as much as I’m talking.  This is especially true in marrying a guy like Milton who is much more likely to go with the flow than to rock the boat.  I need to remember to ask his opinions and feelings about things whether it’s an important issue or a mundane one. And then I have to listen to what he says. I always want him to feel heard.
• I definitely picked the right guy.
• I already knew this, but therapy just confirmed it.  We are such a good match and definitely have all the right qualities to be a killer team in marriage.  I’m really excited to spend my life with Milton.  I told him the other night that I couldn’t have done any better if I’d picked him out of a catalogue.  He feels the same way about me.  We both have our insecurities about the way we look and whether we’re enough for the other one, but I think we’ve fallen into one of those really rare and awesome relationships where we both feel like we’re marrying up.

Getting our pre-marital counseling done was just one of the things on our pre-wedding to-do list.  Coming up soon, I’ve got bridal showers, a girls’ trip, bachelorette party, and then, of course, the big day!  Stay tuned!

* Who am I kidding, if TLC wants to pay me money to film me living my life, I’m all for it.  They could call it Humdrum Boo-Boo: The uninspiring story of a couple who only gets off the couch to pee.